


trembling hands

by rogersbarnes (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-27
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-21 01:22:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1532429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/rogersbarnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve wants to draw (read: touch) Bucky's arm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	trembling hands

„Can I draw your arm?“ Steve asks one night.

They’re in the Stark Tower, in Steve’s apartment and they’re watching a show where there's some kind of a meth lab in a fleetwood bounder and as far as Bucky understands there are also corpses involved and it makes him frown.

Just like Steve’s question. “Why would you want to do that?” He asks after hesitating and he really tries not to sound angry about it. He doesn’t like his arm, hates it, even. Steve knows that. He shouldn’t be asking things like that. But still, it's Steve. Bucky could never do or say anything that would hurt the other man, not when he owes him so much, when they'd once been inseperable and the Winter Soldier took away all of Steve's best friend.

“You're right.” Steve then mutters, as if he just read his mind. “Nevermind.”

Steve then acts like he’s watching the show again but Bucky knows he isn’t. He looks slightly hurt, or pained, Bucky can’t really tell but he can’t stand it and that’s the problem. He knows, that the Bucky Steve knew and grew up with would’ve done anything Steve asked him for, would’ve said yes without thinking twice.He’s not the old Bucky anymore, everyone accepts that and Steve does too but Bucky knows he’s still waiting for the moment when Bucky will remember something significant from their past. It didn’t happen yet, bits and pieces of voices and faces and places being the only exception, never something whole, never something that makes sense, really. And Bucky tries to remember, sometimes, just to make Steve happy, but it doesn’t work like that and Steve wouldn't approve of it anyways.

He manages to hold his ground for about two more minutes with Steve having this horrible look on his face before closing his eyes and letting out a little sigh. “Okay.”

Steve turns his head around, frowning. “Okay?”

“Just draw the damn arm.” He says, rolling up the sleeve of his shirt.

“No.” Steve says, shaking his head.

Bucky watches him for a few seconds like he's trying to tell if Steve's serious or not. He can't, though, so he asks. “Are you serious?” He snaps a little, without really meaning to. It’s just... the past few weeks have been so _hard_ and Bucky's permanently feeling on edge, like he's going to lash out any second. And he really, really tries to be normal, tries to push back everything that's still in him of the Winter Soldier but it makes him tired. He doesn’t know how much he slept this week but the dark circles under his eyes speak for themselves. When he closes his eyes, drifting into sleep, he'll wake up screaming and panting and Steve is always there, just sitting next to him and letting him know that he's there. He feels horrible for speaking to him like that. “I, uh, sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“Don’t apologize.” Steve sighs. “I just... I don't want you to always agree with things just because you think you have to.”

Steve’s so confusing, he always is. “I said okay, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, but only because you want to make me happy.”

He doesn't get why that's a bad thing. He wants to make Steve happy, wants to make him smile. Bucky watches him carefully for a few moments, wondering how this man can read him like an open book when there are only a handful of words leaving Bucky's lips every day, barely enough to be acceptable as answers. "It's the only thing I can do. I like making you happy." He says finally.

Steve musters him for a few seconds, doubt in his eyes, before pushing himself to his feet and making his way to the work desk in front of the windows. He comes back with his black moleskine and a charcoal. He sits a bit closer now and Bucky frowns, because how can he get a good look at his arm if he sits this close, but he doesn't mention it.

If it was someone else he would scoot away but this is Steve and it’s always different with Steve. He doesn’t know why and it isn’t something he likes thinking too much about. Because sometimes Steve smiles at him and his heart jumps. Sometimes he touches him and his skin tingles. It doesn’t happen with anyone else. He wonders if it felt like this too, back then, before all of this happened. Or if it maybe is just a side effect of everything that had happened to his body.

And there was this comment Tony had made the other day, something about taking it to another room when Steve and Bucky had smiled at eachother about something Bucky had remembered. And the thing is, Steve had _blushed_ and Bucky hadn't been able to tear his eyes away from him after that. There's also this weird eyebrow thing Natasha does everytime Steve and Bucky so much as glance at eachother, or the creepy smiles Sam's exchanging with Clint when Steve laughs a bit too much about something Bucky said, and he always feels like he's missing something. Like, more then usually.

He realizes after a while that Steve isn’t drawing at all, just staring at the metal that is his arm.

“What?” He asks in a defensive voice and Steve startles a little. He looks almost nervous which makes Bucky frown.But he gets it. Steve sees his old best friend in him, not the killer he actually is, and he sometimes forgets how many people Bucky harmed with this arm. He probably is thinking about that right now. “Steve” He says, like a warning with a hint of fear and desperation in it. He really doesn't want him to draw his freaking arm if it scares him.

“Can I touch?” Steve suddenly asks and Bucky is so _confused_. His heart beats faster in his chest because he doesn't get Steve at all.

When he clenches his fist at Steve's words, the metal makes a small clinking noise and Steve’s eyes definitely should not go soft like that.

“I won’t... hurt you, if that’s it.” Steve says then, looking at him carefully.Bucky huffs a little, unsure.

“That’s _not_ it.” He looks away because Steve doesn’t get it. “I could kill you with it, do you ever think about that?”

Steve doesn’t even blink. “No. I know you won’t.”

They look at eachother for a moment and it hurts, really, that fond look in Steve’s bright eyes that shouldn’t be directed at someone like Bucky. When he slowly starts to uncurl his fingers, because how could he not if it’s what Steve wants, Steve silently watches.

Bucky lifts it and looks at it, remembers the dried blood on the metal, the only evidence of what he’d done when The Winter Soldier couldn’t make a mission look like an accident. He wants to stop thinking about it, because he knows it won’t take long for the faces to come back too and he flinches, wants to pull it back when he feels Steve shift beside him, suddenly sitting a lot closer and the warmth of his body calms him down a bit. It always does.

“Don’t” Is everyting that Steve says, before he slowly raises his own hand and waits, for Bucky to pull back or tell him to stop but Bucky doesn’t, just holds still and waits for him to make the next move, holding his breath. And Steve does, hesitantly touches Buckys metal fingers with his own. It’s just a gentle brush of fingertips but it makes him take a shuddering breath.

“Can you feel that?” Steve asks carefully, still brushing his fingertips over Bucky’s.It’s more than just pressure. Bucky always had some kind of physical sensation in his arm, could tell where someone was touching him but it didn't cause any reaction in his body at all. But right now, the places Steve is touching don’t... they feel warm and light, like the metal isn’t quite there anymore. Bucky nods nervously. “Is it okay?” Steve asks, concern written all over his face because Bucky must look pained. His heart is beating too fast and Steve is still brushing his fingers over the metal.

“It... feels good.” Bucky mumbles, curling his fingers a little and thinks he imagines it when Steve’s breath hitches at that.Steve then, slowly, slides his palm against Bucky’s and Bucky holds his breath when he sees how their fingers intertwine. He feels like crying and doesn’t know why.

It doesn’t help, the way Steve watches their entangled hands, like he hasn’t seen anything like it before. He’s rubbing his thumb too gently over Bucky’s wrist, where his pulse should be and somehow Bucky is glad it isn’t there because it would give away how much this was scaring him. Bucky drops his gaze, he can’t stand the way Steve’s touching something that has harmed so many people.

Steve’s got a little smile on his face, he realizes after looking up again, one that Bucky hasn’t seen before, and maybe he’s imagining things but Steve looks just as breathless as Bucky feels.

It’s when Steve leans down a little, hesitating and making sure Bucky's okay with it, to brush his lips over the back of Bucky’s hand, a warm and gentle pressure that makes his chest ache in so many ways, that Bucky breaks.

He turns his face away, ending up with his face pressed against Steve’s shoulder because he can’t hide with how close they’re sitting.

Steve freezes a little, let’s go of his hand and Bucky feels his hands hover over his back but he can’t deal with it because suddenly there are tears brimming in his eyes and the heat and smell of Steve’s body everywhere and it feels like coming home and wanting to run away again because everything feels the same but so _different_.

“God” Steve breathes and then he’s hugging him, his arms wrapping around Bucky’s back and pressing him against his chest and Bucky makes a pained noise at the back of his throat before bringing his own arms up and around Steve’s neck, holding on way too tightly and trying not to hurt him with the metal at the same time.

He’s scared Steve’s going to have an asthma attack with the way his chest is heaving against his own, how fast the man’s heart is beating against his ribs.He’s got his face pressed against Steve’s shoulder and there's a tremor in his hands. There might have been a time when Bucky would've understood what was happening, why he wants to be so close to this man when he shouldn't, when he was trying to kill him a few weeks ago and he knows he could do it still, could easily clench his metal fingers around his throat and just _rip_ , but even the thought of it makes him sick to the stomach.

Steve has his face buried in Bucky’s neck and he feels his hot breath running over his back, making him shudder. His eyebrows furrow, confused and overwhelmed, and he presses himself closer against Steve, his skin tingling where Steve's arms are brushing against his own, and holds on just a bit tighter so he can feel every muscle shift against his own.

“This ain't drawing.” He mumbles when he thinks he's got his voice under control (he doesn't). When he carefully uncurls his fingers on Steve's neck and spreads them under the hem of Steve’s shirt, over his warm skin, Steve shudders against him, his fingers curling into the fabric at Bucky's back.

“Jerk.” Steve says under his breath. He presses his soft lips against the nape of Bucky's neck hesitantly and Bucky holds back a small noise at the hot feeling rushing through his body, making his heart beat that much faster.

“Punk.” He whispers back and feels Steve’s lips curve into a smile against his skin. He's still brushing his fingers over Steve’s back, trying to wrap his mind around just how much he likes the feeling of Steve's skin beneath his fingers and his strong body aligned with his own and whatever all of this means, while Steve is kissing him like he’s trying to mark him, Bucky thinks he doesn’t mind.

He might understand what Tony was talking about, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first attempt at writing in english, i hope you survived!


End file.
